Maggie: The Cool Dog I Wanted to Steal from My Grandma

My grandmother had a Lassie-esque collie named Maggie. She followed me around the neighborhood, barked in meaningful ways and got her feelings hurt whenever I had to yell at her to go away because my friend Binky Singleton’s sister was afraid of dogs. But it was the day Binky turned all the neighborhood kids against me in that wenchy way girls do, that Maggie became steal-worthy. I was crying beneath a tree in granny’s yard, when Maggie came over, dropped her head on my lap and gave me a knowing look as she wagged her tail. Was she smart enough to know I needed cheering up? I like to think so.

Lesson: Who needs wenchy girlfriends when you’ve got a great dog?

Sebastian the Bipolar Feline

Sebastian was a beautiful cat with fluffy, pure white fur and an adorable spot of grey on her forehead. She was also a complete whore. The cat would disappear for days then come home ratty and pregnant. She’d claw your leg as you opened her kitty food can and shriek in the night like a demon from the deep bowels of hell. One day, she nuzzled peacefully against my chest. The next, she killed my mice and ate the butt out of my parakeet. If Sebastian were owned by a pet owner today, I’m sure she’d be on anti-depressants.

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